I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
