brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I could fuck to npr.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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