I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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