I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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