My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
