Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
