Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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