Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
