You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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