I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
