Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
