I will die if light touches me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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