The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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