My sheets look like a crime scene.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I need to sanitize my soul.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Someone stole a lamp last night.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
