The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
