I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
