This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
