I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
