He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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