Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
