Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
