Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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