i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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