I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
