You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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