There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
