He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
