she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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