Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
