Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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