My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
