separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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