Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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