I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
