You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize