Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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