I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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