I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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