Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
