It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
