While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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