I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My ass is underappreciated
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
