I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
