This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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