True but thats because hes a fetus.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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