Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
