Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
