dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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