My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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