just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
