I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
this will be a night to untag.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
