Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
