There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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