I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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