dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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