You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
