I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
