allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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