I think I am morally bankrupt
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize