I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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