Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
